Over the years, I have done what any human does, evolve. I have evolved into the best version of myself there has ever been. On the surface, that is amazing. It means that I am learning, growing, and becoming self-aware. But why does it give me so much anxiety?
According to Google, evolution is the gradual development of something, especially from a simple to a more complex form. For example, Tibetans who live in the Himalayan mountains have developed genes to help them regulate oxygen levels at higher altitudes (reference). Also, according to Business Insider, due to the production of agriculture and cooked meat, one in four people never grow wisdom teeth.
All this provides more support to my well-adopted theory that evolution is a part of the human experience.
But why does it make me so uncomfortable with myself?
It is difficult for me to look at old photos of myself. When I look at dated photos, all I think about are my past mistakes; the unenlightened beliefs I held; the misguided actions I took. Have you ever heard someone say, you are your biggest critic? Well for me, it’s true.
On one hand, it is positive. Acknowledging my mistakes has caused me to be a better version of myself, and continuing this acknowledgment will lead to me becoming the best version of myself. On the other hand, harboring guilt about actions that can not be changed causes me to be self-deprecating and stagnant.
This personal evolution anxiety causes me to judge myself versus judging the action. ”I did this, so I’m a bad person.” “I thought this, so I’m dumb.” “I said this. so I’m dreadful.” These are all things I have told myself countless times, and honestly, it is needless and unproductive. It damages my self-esteem, harbors my personal development, and causes me to internally live in a hollow place.
I am not a bad, dumb, dreadful person. I’m a normal human, having normal human experiences, with enough mind to correct those actions with more information. And sometimes the only way to get that information is to make those mistakes.
Mistakes are normal. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes are what they are, mistakes. In my opinion, what can be judged as good or bad is what you do after you have acknowledged your mistake. I say acknowledge because sometimes you don’t recognize something is a mistake until later down the line.
The truth is, there is no re-do for the past. Sometimes you can make it better, sometimes you can’t. Hindsight is 20/20. All you can do is accept that you made a mistake, forgive yourself, and move forward.
– With Love, Zora Valentine ♥
